Sunday, 30 September 2018

Mental Health Week Approaching.

Mental Health Week

*7th October - 13th October 2018

Now, as you know by now. I am struggling with my own mental health. I am writing this on a Sunday as tomorrow is the 1st of October, my birthday month but also it is mental health week in IRL.  
*See above for dates.
It is important for you guys that I am open and honest but also I want people to know more about some family background.
My mum is a massive support to me, before I met my husband she was my biggest support. Now we live quite far away from each other, obviously she is there for me and I am there for her. She is one of my best friends, along with my mother in law. I am lucky to be so so close to both of them.
My husband is by far the person who knows me better than myself but also sometimes he noticed when I am going down or complete other way. He is my biggest cheer leader to help, support and guide me through. We will be together 8 years in January, 2 years married then too. Since day 1, he has been amazing. Yes we've argued, we both fucked up a lot of the time, we both have issues but we love each other and support each other. He is best friend for sure. 

Getting off topic - sorry.

I want to discuss my Dad, sadly he passed away early 2015.. (My Grandpa, his Dad passed away around Christmas) I think. It is a blurred, confusing time. I was happy in a full time bar job and earning money to save up for our wedding. I hadn't spoken to my Dad since about 6-7 years at this point. He was very mentally ill through out my life, my parents divorced around 1999-2000. I had stopped speaking to him on the first day of my GCSE's, I was 16.
He committed suicide which was incredibly hard for his family to deal with because they have such proud beliefs and go on about "oh he is a doctor!" totally ignoring his mental health until he turned on them. It was very hard for my immediate and my mums side of the family. It made me realise I will never see him again, part of me sometimes still wishes that what if we did stay in touch... Then I remember how difficult it was. He was my dad, yes he was the best dad but also did terrible horrible things. He could never accept he had a mental illness, so since I have been getting better slowly over these last couple of years whilst volunteering. 
I decided to embrace the fact and try to stamp out stigma, I discuss it openly in work but also with others. My husband does do the same. Seriously people! Come on... we all know you or someone else is struggling with mental health issues. Don't be afraid to talk.
When all this happened with my Dad, I didn't process it properly, I didn't talk, I just glazed over it then all of a sudden we were at my mums going through his stuff and it hit me. During that time we were looking at wedding venues and it was all too much. I got very very sick. We arrived back in Dublin and I tried to get on with work and going about a life. In the end my doctor referred me to the mental health team. Seriously if you ever get referred to St John Of God's, they are really really good! Especially The Centre for Living, even if I hated it the first time. You have to be in the right head space for it. 
Weirdly I don't remember much of that time, the funeral is blurry and just gives me very weird feelings.
I know in the August me and the husband moved to London for a few months for his job, I think it was one of the best things for me then. Change of scene, new people, something to get me out the flat. 
I thoroughly enjoyed where I volunteered for about 2 months, the people just made it. Also the London office where my husband was were lovely too. 
Stella & Diann if you ever read this... Honestly THANK YOU! You made me feel slightly back to myself. 
One of the worst things about London was I ate too much and the tablets that I had made me put on weight, didn't help I wasn't exercising.. 
That Christmas my mum told me "You looked 10 months pregnant.." Love you mum! I know she is pretty very blunt and honest, but that is better than lying saying ah you look great, have some more pudding,
Honestly coming back to Dublin was weird, so many memories that I hadn't figured out and looking for a new job whilst still not working out what to do with myself in 2016. 
In that 9 months or so I had about 6 different jobs, some were okay... some were just pure shite. Some companies treat their staff so bad. I went through depression again and was still going through it when I started volunteering again. These last two years have been 
  • Stressful/Over working when I thought people were expecting more from me. 
  • Sad loosing the last of my Grandparents.
  • My mum moving out of the childhood home. 
    • WHY MOTHER?! Only joking.
  • Getting married was awesome and happy times.
  • Getting a Team Leader role but voluntary still with my charity.
  • Learning new skills and doing more fundraising events.
  • Becoming an Auntie for the first time.
  • Realising who my real friends are and cherishing them like gold.
  • Having the best husband and supporting him.
  • Joining a *W.R.A.P group for on going support.
There will be more in depth chats about the time of my life when I was going through different struggles. For now, this is a little snippet. When I am ready I will write it more down.

*W.R.A.P - Wellness Recovery Action Plan

Sunday, 23 September 2018

Awkwardness & Meeting new people

Awkwardness & Meeting new people - 22/09/2018

So, tonight it is one of my best friends birthday get together. Whilst I know her and her family really well. One of her other good friends kinda okay, I feel so anxious about meeting the rest of them. 
I am usually okay if I meet new people after a glass of wine (Not the best option as I end up sometimes making a fool of myself or drinking too much or saying the wrong thing... or all 3!) 
I am sure my friends and family know that all too well. 

So as I was saying, I am meeting all these people tonight on a late in September evening, they will all head into town and being the person I am, my mental health has been up & down this week so I decided I wanted to come back to the flat and be greeted by the husband at a reasonable time as I don't know with the clubbing, dancing, coming home at stupid o'clock... Don't like the idea so much as above I said my mental health has slightly bad.

Today I have been busying myself with having baths, chilling with my husband and pampering myself. Nails on my hands and toes are actually matching for once! Trying to work out what to wear without being over dressed or under dressed. I do not remember how things work but I know everyone will figure out I am English and they are Irish... It won't be too awkward but I will worry they will talk about me after I leave, which people always do but ho hum I am trying not to care or worry.
I feel as if I am 14/15 years of age going to my first house party.. Sadly my husband can't come due to work and stuff so I have to be a big girl and suck it up! 
I am nearly 27 years old for the love of god.
Anyway, I will do my outfit of the day of course and show you my nails.. my straightened hair and you'll see my make up in the outfit of the day picture.
Behind that smile will be hiding a nervous wreck. 

I don't know if this is helpful or if anyone else feels like this in situations, I even get like this going to a new country, job, meeting family members or new people as I just described.
But honestly I am going to do mindfulness on the train and have my music playing to keep my mind from over thinking the situation. 
On a side thought: 
I might make more friends....!
   Sunday update: not too hungover but was a state last night..