Sunday, 30 September 2018

Mental Health Week Approaching.

Mental Health Week

*7th October - 13th October 2018

Now, as you know by now. I am struggling with my own mental health. I am writing this on a Sunday as tomorrow is the 1st of October, my birthday month but also it is mental health week in IRL.  
*See above for dates.
It is important for you guys that I am open and honest but also I want people to know more about some family background.
My mum is a massive support to me, before I met my husband she was my biggest support. Now we live quite far away from each other, obviously she is there for me and I am there for her. She is one of my best friends, along with my mother in law. I am lucky to be so so close to both of them.
My husband is by far the person who knows me better than myself but also sometimes he noticed when I am going down or complete other way. He is my biggest cheer leader to help, support and guide me through. We will be together 8 years in January, 2 years married then too. Since day 1, he has been amazing. Yes we've argued, we both fucked up a lot of the time, we both have issues but we love each other and support each other. He is best friend for sure. 

Getting off topic - sorry.

I want to discuss my Dad, sadly he passed away early 2015.. (My Grandpa, his Dad passed away around Christmas) I think. It is a blurred, confusing time. I was happy in a full time bar job and earning money to save up for our wedding. I hadn't spoken to my Dad since about 6-7 years at this point. He was very mentally ill through out my life, my parents divorced around 1999-2000. I had stopped speaking to him on the first day of my GCSE's, I was 16.
He committed suicide which was incredibly hard for his family to deal with because they have such proud beliefs and go on about "oh he is a doctor!" totally ignoring his mental health until he turned on them. It was very hard for my immediate and my mums side of the family. It made me realise I will never see him again, part of me sometimes still wishes that what if we did stay in touch... Then I remember how difficult it was. He was my dad, yes he was the best dad but also did terrible horrible things. He could never accept he had a mental illness, so since I have been getting better slowly over these last couple of years whilst volunteering. 
I decided to embrace the fact and try to stamp out stigma, I discuss it openly in work but also with others. My husband does do the same. Seriously people! Come on... we all know you or someone else is struggling with mental health issues. Don't be afraid to talk.
When all this happened with my Dad, I didn't process it properly, I didn't talk, I just glazed over it then all of a sudden we were at my mums going through his stuff and it hit me. During that time we were looking at wedding venues and it was all too much. I got very very sick. We arrived back in Dublin and I tried to get on with work and going about a life. In the end my doctor referred me to the mental health team. Seriously if you ever get referred to St John Of God's, they are really really good! Especially The Centre for Living, even if I hated it the first time. You have to be in the right head space for it. 
Weirdly I don't remember much of that time, the funeral is blurry and just gives me very weird feelings.
I know in the August me and the husband moved to London for a few months for his job, I think it was one of the best things for me then. Change of scene, new people, something to get me out the flat. 
I thoroughly enjoyed where I volunteered for about 2 months, the people just made it. Also the London office where my husband was were lovely too. 
Stella & Diann if you ever read this... Honestly THANK YOU! You made me feel slightly back to myself. 
One of the worst things about London was I ate too much and the tablets that I had made me put on weight, didn't help I wasn't exercising.. 
That Christmas my mum told me "You looked 10 months pregnant.." Love you mum! I know she is pretty very blunt and honest, but that is better than lying saying ah you look great, have some more pudding,
Honestly coming back to Dublin was weird, so many memories that I hadn't figured out and looking for a new job whilst still not working out what to do with myself in 2016. 
In that 9 months or so I had about 6 different jobs, some were okay... some were just pure shite. Some companies treat their staff so bad. I went through depression again and was still going through it when I started volunteering again. These last two years have been 
  • Stressful/Over working when I thought people were expecting more from me. 
  • Sad loosing the last of my Grandparents.
  • My mum moving out of the childhood home. 
    • WHY MOTHER?! Only joking.
  • Getting married was awesome and happy times.
  • Getting a Team Leader role but voluntary still with my charity.
  • Learning new skills and doing more fundraising events.
  • Becoming an Auntie for the first time.
  • Realising who my real friends are and cherishing them like gold.
  • Having the best husband and supporting him.
  • Joining a *W.R.A.P group for on going support.
There will be more in depth chats about the time of my life when I was going through different struggles. For now, this is a little snippet. When I am ready I will write it more down.

*W.R.A.P - Wellness Recovery Action Plan

Sunday, 23 September 2018

Awkwardness & Meeting new people

Awkwardness & Meeting new people - 22/09/2018

So, tonight it is one of my best friends birthday get together. Whilst I know her and her family really well. One of her other good friends kinda okay, I feel so anxious about meeting the rest of them. 
I am usually okay if I meet new people after a glass of wine (Not the best option as I end up sometimes making a fool of myself or drinking too much or saying the wrong thing... or all 3!) 
I am sure my friends and family know that all too well. 

So as I was saying, I am meeting all these people tonight on a late in September evening, they will all head into town and being the person I am, my mental health has been up & down this week so I decided I wanted to come back to the flat and be greeted by the husband at a reasonable time as I don't know with the clubbing, dancing, coming home at stupid o'clock... Don't like the idea so much as above I said my mental health has slightly bad.

Today I have been busying myself with having baths, chilling with my husband and pampering myself. Nails on my hands and toes are actually matching for once! Trying to work out what to wear without being over dressed or under dressed. I do not remember how things work but I know everyone will figure out I am English and they are Irish... It won't be too awkward but I will worry they will talk about me after I leave, which people always do but ho hum I am trying not to care or worry.
I feel as if I am 14/15 years of age going to my first house party.. Sadly my husband can't come due to work and stuff so I have to be a big girl and suck it up! 
I am nearly 27 years old for the love of god.
Anyway, I will do my outfit of the day of course and show you my nails.. my straightened hair and you'll see my make up in the outfit of the day picture.
Behind that smile will be hiding a nervous wreck. 

I don't know if this is helpful or if anyone else feels like this in situations, I even get like this going to a new country, job, meeting family members or new people as I just described.
But honestly I am going to do mindfulness on the train and have my music playing to keep my mind from over thinking the situation. 
On a side thought: 
I might make more friends....!
   Sunday update: not too hungover but was a state last night.. 

Sunday, 15 July 2018


Thinking and thoughts.

Bit long, read if you wish.. swear I talk or type for way too long.

So it is Sunday and I have work at 1pm but it's all good as its only about 5 hours as we open only for four hours on a Sunday :)
I will be off for a few days from next Saturday for my brother in laws Surprise Birthday Party!
Can't wait to see all the in laws..
Anyway getting off subject.

When I was growing up my mum and dad had money but we didn't spend like crazy, my parents divorced and my dad went a spending splurge to make his house better than mums.. you know what parents are like sometimes.
Then when I got to half way through 13 years old, bullying started and I wouldn't want to go to school so my mum would bribe (*Well, not bribe but give me a reward.. I don't know what you'd call it*) me with if I went to school today we would go shopping on weekend or something silly like I would get a cake.
In the end I moved schools to the neighbouring area, I was constantly missing the bus and late a lot of the time, and again my mum would *bribe* me with shopping trips, treats and trips to see family or something.

Looking back yes it probably help me go to school but I was at school to have fun, skive and not bother... Never was there to learn because I'm an idiot. Looking back now, I do wish I tried harder in classes instead of just working hard at my stage-school on Friday nights with friends and drama class at school (Even if I just managed to pass).
I am willing to learn now I am a lot older and writing this blog is helping how to write properly again but also beauty and shopping they obviously don't teach in schools but that is something I am interested in and many other things too!
I did do an NVQ in volunteering and did many projects with that, met some cool people but the teacher was definitely to cool one! Bright red hair and braids.. I could never pull that off.

I applied for a paid charity job a couple of weeks ago, I actually didn't get the assistant manager role as I am not in a paid role (within the charity I volunteer but also a regular paid retail job is what I need experience in  why?!) bums me out a little as I have been with this charity nearly 2 years and I might never get anywhere. However being a team leader is great and I really am learning a lot about myself.
For a few examples - 

  • We have one wage, learning to budget is hard! I will learn to budget... promise.
  • I feel proud every bit of money we make within the charity but also makes my mental health stable. 
  • The experience I am getting I would not get anywhere and it is going to be great for my CV.

On a side note, are you one of those people that ask for discount in a charity shop??? 
IF SO, DON'T! It is a pet peeve of mine and I get asked about 20 times a day.. so please just DON'T.

But honestly I am in a really good place right now, slightly up and down but people keep telling me that is normal.
I always worry I cry about things too much or drink too much alcohol. But of course I do that on nights outs with the husband, friends or family. I will cry because crying is a release and makes you feel better. It is only if you're crying everyday and the motivation is all gone that is when there is something else going on.


Wednesday, 6 June 2018

Fashion Relief

Fashion Relief on 13/5/18

Soo, first of all what fashion relief was about and what it was for.
It was all Lorraine Keane's idea and she wanted to work alongside Oxfam to raise money for the hunger crisis. To help many people in need in many countries.
She is a lovely, hard working woman and did a fabulous job promoting fashion relief and on the day. She worked incredibly hard!

My voluntary job role was doing some work in the head office, sorting through many donations from the public, boutiques and donated by celebrities! Tagging and labelling them and putting in the correct place.
So many of the people in head office workers and volunteers helped out before the big day and on the actual day of Fashion Relief.
It was such a buzz to be part of it and be able to see so many happy customers and volunteers!

Now, onto the day. I was in charge of volunteers on a stall. They worked so so hard and definitely had good banter with the customers we came across. Throughout the day I was helping with raffle sales, men's stall, kids stall and the catwalk clothes which went on sale.. that was mad! Everyone wanted everything!
My manager in my shop was there too, bless her she got me all food I needed to keep going (muffins, nuts, water)
Was a busy fabulous day and I was promoting a lot of my shop that I volunteer in. (Why not? I knew that it's good promotion)
I saw quite a few of our customers as well, weirdly they didn't recognise me until I spoke to them. That was pretty funny!

In all honesty though, I love what I do which is volunteering and I would recommend it to anyone even if it's just when you are able, retired, can't find work or fancy a change.
I do voluntary campaign work sometimes for the charity I work for too.
Right now I'm off to bloom festival for some campaigning for refugees! Wish me luck and the guys I'm campaigning for!

Another post to come soon.

Ana ☺️

Saturday, 19 May 2018

Disneyland Paris!

So I am sat here on a Saturday night, hubby is playing GTA 5 and
I am gonna tell you about Disneyland Paris.
We are also drinking some niiice wine..
Even if its a chardonnay but we did win it in a pub quiz!

So first things first, we stayed in one of the Disney hotels,
it was called Sequoia Lodge.
Was really lovely and had pictures of Bambi, Thumper and Flower.
Was cute! Nice and quiet, just what you want after long days at Disneyland.
We got everything a little cheaper than usual as it was the 25th anniversary!
Got breakfast and dinner/lunch included for 2 days too,
the Agrabah cafe was great for vegetarians so many beans and chickpeas
and yummy goodness to make you feel full (It was a buffet style restaurant)
that was what we had on our second day.
On the first night, we thought we would treat ourselves to a kinda posh dinner
with table service and really good looking menu, I had mussels to start
(Okay I am pescaetarian…)
The rest of the meal was really really nice, fresh and scrummy!
All in all the food was surprisingly nicer than I expected..
I honestly thought it was going to be like posh hot dinners.. It definitely wasn’t!  
The breakfast was just a croissant and pain au chocolat
(mini ones) hot drink and juice which worked out nicely and tasted lovely too.
I found out I actually like coffee now…
Anyone who knows me knows that I have not ever liked coffee…
Well flavoured milky milky sugary sugary coffee.

As we went in a quiet time, rides were max 20-30 minute
wait which was soooo goooooood! The weather was also really lovely
apart from a crazy 20 minute downpour of horrible rain
but you soon dried off once you got on other rides.
If I am honest, I expected a little more from the fireworks as it was the 25th anniversary..
But oh well! The Disney Parade was really good, we were right at the front and saw everything.
Just was so good to see it properly.
I also met Hook (I love the Steven Spielberg film Hook, so was pretty cool..
The character was a sarcastic bastard to me, was funny)
Me and hubby also met Baloo and King Louie from The Jungle Book,
we got hugs and lots of silliness. Was GREAT!

Both of us are totally exhausted from it though,
so we just chilled and didn’t do much at all today.
BUT on Sunday the Red Bull Flugtag is coming into Dublin,
in the town where we live soooo me, hubby and friends are going along to that..
Gonna be so busy but so fun! Probably end up in Wetherspoon.
Then… Back to life, back to reality on Monday,
I will be working all week! On Tuesday is hubby's Birthday
so hopefully I will have time to bake and make him a nice tea.

Anyway kinda going off topic so I’ll finish this here.

Pictures below of our little holibobs…

More of the parade!

Could stay there forever

Just random pictures here...

 It's a small world a very small world!
Love autopia, hate it's a small world!