Heatwaveee!

 

Soo, there is a little heatwave in the UK at the moment, highs of 40 degrees. Here in Fareham we've had highs of 32 degrees so far. So glad to have the air cons and fan we have, feel sorry for my doggos though! Don't know if I had mentioned in a previous post that me & Tom adopted a rescue dog back in Easter 2022. She is adorable and gets on so well with Pepper! We are very lucky.

A few updates to share though, I've been doing a Samarathon this year raising money for the Samaritans. It's 26.2 miles over July, I am trying to do double but with this heat it is quite hard to get out and walk if I am honest. Taking the dogs out early for a 30 minute early in the mornings is what I have been doing and then relaxing but before this heatwave I was getting quite a few miles in so hopefully I will do double but we'll see?! It makes me feel good doing it as my dad took his own life about 6-7 years ago and I also attempted to take my own life the same year a few months after. I am now in a lot better place and sadly the voices and things I see do tell me to do those things when I am feeling extremely low but I fight back and talk back to them now, my counsellor suggested I do this (it really does work!)

Toms chronic fatigue has gotten a little worse at the moment, he couldn't make it to the air show the other day he was supposed to go to with his dad, they even had VIP tickets. They were through Toms dads work so didn't lose money but Tom was very disappointed but we made sure he had a lovely day instead with his favourite foods and made sure he chilled as much as he could. I wish I could make it better but there is nothing I can do apart from support him and be there for him and love him. 

Mental health wise I am doing really good most of the time, I have recently changed from Sertraline to Venlafaxine and I am slowly reducing my Resperidone, so hopefully it will help me lose weight as one of the side effects of Resperidone is weight gain. That shouldn't put you off taking it though if your doctor prescribed it! 

Next week I am going on a spa day with my big sister and my mum, really looking forward to it. Can't wait for a massage, manicure and facial. Also chilling and swimming. I am looking forward to trying the food at the restaurant too, I've of course looked at the menu as that is what I do before going somewhere. I just love to check what food places have got before I go, don't know why, just do.

Anyway signing off now as I am going to listen to a podcast or something whilst Tom plays Ghost of Tsushima.

  

How life is going

 

Hellooo,

Sat here on a Saturday afternoon and it is drizzly and rain today, it's meant to be bloody summer! Anyway I thought I would do a little update about work, life and family life.

Pepper is definitely in adolescence now, she is misbehaving a little more and not listening as well as she use to, she is still super cute! She does do my head in when she doesn't listen though but she is only 6 and a half months. Then there's Tom, his M.E has been hitting him really hard lately and I have been worrying about him, he has gone to the office in London once and going in again in a few days. He is making sure he doesn't over do it before hand and afterwards but he still struggles. I worry too much about him and then I don't look after myself too then my mental health goes down a little bit. On a positive note, I am going to see my side of the family (basically my mum, her partner, my sister, my brother in law, niece, my brother and his girlfriend) we're spending August bank holiday weekend together and my sister is having friends round over the weekend as it is her birthday weekend. They are all camping at the farm! It's gonna be a good one. Hopefully it will be BBQ weather, haven't bought a BBQ for the new house yet so I am hoping we get a BBQ at least once this year. Tom and Pepper aren't coming so I will be going up on the train, did a practise run on the train today it was only a short journey today but made me feel less anxious about getting the train by myself. Anyone else feel anxious travelling on public transport since Covid-19? 

Anyway onto life and work, I have been volunteering for about a month and been doing a lot of window displays and displays round the shop, it is really fun and love putting my own spin on the window and I think the manager is getting to understand my style. A couple of weeks ago I put a dress in the window and 10 minutes later, it was sold! I was proud but also had a clear idea and that was my main dress for the window.. Oh well! More money for the charity and glad it made someone buy something. Hopefully next week I can get stuck into donations of clothing/bric a brac etc as I really enjoy doing that too, I think the manager is going to discuss pricing with me. Even though I have done it before, pricing clothes depending on the area and items you get is important too and the quality of it. I am really happy there though and really glad we moved here too, everything has fallen into place quite nicely! 

Now onto life, it's going alright and I am pretty content at the moment, I worrying and a little anxious about random bits but honestly feeling pretty stable. I am taking my tablets, talking to the mental health team every couple weeks at the moment and my doctor is in contact with me every few weeks. It is handy because I have had some tough times of it recently and am very grateful of the support from medical professionals, Tom, family and friends. Most of the time, I usually bottle things up and they just spill and I just end up crying a lot and feeling super depressed and anxious. Tom really helps puts things into perceptive and talk stuff through to make it all sense, even though I should be doing that myself sometimes it is nice to get the help, you know? It is a good day today though, I bought some tasty stuff at Lidl, taken Pepper out for a wet walk, had some ice-cream, painted my nails and just been chilling on a miserable day. I do wish it was warm outside though, my legs hardly have a tan! 

That's the end of this one as I am off to make halloumi burgers that we got with hello fresh! Really enjoying their boxes we are getting and gets us back into the kitchen a little bit more too. 

See you all soon :)  

Back to work

 Sooo, today was the day I went back volunteering! I was so excited and nervous all at the same time. I have volunteered many places and it has been about a year and a bit since I last volunteered. I went through all the health & safety stuff, my god there was a lot of reading to do! Then I got thrown into the deep end and was asked to do the window display, I was not expecting it. First of all I did sparkley and was half way through and the manager suggested that sparkle sells at Christmas but it hasn't been selling as no one is going to weddings and Christmas parties, I felt a little silly but glad she mentioned it! So it ended up  a grey, orangey red and black window with interesting bric and brac and shoes. I was definitely a little out of practise, my brain was working so hard trying to remember all the advice previous managers have given me. I am glad of all the advice I have had from Loraine, Lucia, Jess, Amanda, Karen & Marc as well as other volunteers. I would have got pictures but didn't feel it was my best and it was my first day so didn't feel it was appropriate, dunno why. 

I am feeling so tired though, I had my mum visiting Thursday to Sunday and I am also doing 5km a day for WWF. I gotta tell you, I am very tired. I am feeling so glad to be getting back into volunteering and it is really nice that it's with an autism charity which is very close to my heart. Not gonna lie though, I was thinking about Pepper the whole time and was thinking "is she behaving for Tom" Apparently she slept most of the time and when I got back she was so happy to see me and I was so happy to see her and Tom. It felt so strange to be at work though, after having about a year off and being in a different shop and different area felt strange, good and exciting all at the same time. 

We're having a nice chilled night, Tom is playing his game, Pepper is chilling on the sofa and I am writing this. My family is awesome :)

Anyway gonna head off now. Byeeeee 

   

Back Volunteering! And other life stuff.

 I have officially put my toe in the water and am going back to volunteering on the 12th of July! 

I will be in charge of lots of displays and windows, which is perfect! I absolutely love doing that kind of thing.

I am feeling a little anxious but me & Tom have talked things through, I've done this like 5 times or something, so I'll be fine.. won't I? No I will be I am sure. Need to stop thinking about it so much.

Luckily I can just walk to work, it takes around 20-25mins but with trying to loose weight I am glad of the walk into town (Might not like it the in the rain but oh well if I get wet, I get wet!)

Other life stuff that is going on, mental health is very up and down. I am not thinking through stuff and then finding stupid things to get upset about and then getting depressed, I do this a lot.. because I have no idea why but I do it and then it stresses me out and makes me depressed. Honestly I am happy in life, just little things get to me and I let them blow up. I am getting a little bit better at managing it though, just need to check how good my life is going and check in with myself and give myself a virtual slap.

Pepper is doing really good though, she is walking off lead really well all be it when there is a distraction she can chase after her friends in the park. She is more free in the house too, she is getting use to it. Me & Tom have put so much work in with her and it shows I think I am a super proud owner and people love meeting her because she is so cute and stuff. 

Below is a picture of my perfect little family.

Anyway I must dash, gotta take Pepper for a walk.

Bad Day, hope it doesn't turn into weeks of bad days!

 Soo, it is summer, it is warm and my week has been very up and down regarding my mental health.

I have been speaking to my dads side of the family and especially my cousin who shares the same mental health condition as me, we discussed what it is like and generally talking about stuff. Has made me feel all out of sorts! Bloody stupid isn't it? I am able to talk about stuff but sometimes I just bottle it all up and it all comes out or I pick at my skin until its raw (Some call that self harm) I am still struggling to come to terms with calling it self harm but I suppose it is.

I have done a little easy baking, took Pepper out, painted my nails a new colour, meeting up with in laws at the pub tomorrow with the doggos and just generally keeping busy. I am writing this as it is a let out for everything and it might help someone else. I am hoping this doesn't spiral and it lasts for weeks, I don't think it will as I am more talking on social media about it and lots of people are offering advice which I really appreciate, makes my brain feel less cloudy. Tom is really helping by keeping me company today and luckily he has Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off next week so we'll have some time to chill together! (I'm not volunteering at the moment as I am waiting till Pepper is about 12 months, might have mentioned that already, sorry if I have!)

I am feeling a lot better after writing all that but I know there is a lot of work on myself I need to do over the next few weeks, including upping my risperidone that I have already done and speaking with the doctor to get a referral back to the mental health team. The doctor is suppose to be calling today, they are cutting it a little fine as its 17:00 right now. Hope I get that phone call. It is annoying the mental health team discharged me without telling me though!! I would have told them no I don't want to be discharged but ho hum.

I've also had a peppermint tea too, that really warms me up and makes me feel calmer. To be honest any herbal tea or minty tea helps me, sometimes even though I am drinking decaf coffee at the moment I was worried it would make me feel all out of sorts, jittery and more anxious so just not drinking it for a week or so. 

Soo we bought a house in 2021 & We got a puppy!

 

So let me start at the start, we moved away from Dublin back to the UK in 2018 (to be closer to family, have more support for my mental health) We moved to North Hertfordshire and we were renting and then we decided we wanted to look for somewhere more permanent, yes that's right buying a house! We looked and looked and found stuff we liked but nothing was perfect we put offers in and people put in higher offers and we felt sad we couldn't get somewhere. Then we said as a joke, why not look in Hampshire close to my in laws and more of Toms other family. Well, TLDR we fell in love with a detached house and it was in our price range and we got it! Wahoo! We've been here since January 2021 and whilst lock downs have been hard and moving in a pandemic was a bit of a faff, here we are! We are home owners and it makes me very happy. Don't get me wrong, we need to do some painting and sort out the garden but the house is pretty damn lush and I am so happy here. 

Not long after we moved in (a month...) We were just browsing doggo websites, seeing what is out there and prices. We came across a golden doodle puppy and she was the last one left because someone changed their mind, we were just going to enquire.. nothing set in stone, no decisions. Same day we enquired that night we got the puppy reserved and deposit was down. We didn't mean to get a puppy so early but we're so glad we did, her name is Pepper and she was actually born on our 10 year anniversary! So it is kind of like fate or whatever you want to call it. She has done wonders for my mental health and the counselling I was having during the first few months of moving in was also a big help!

Mental health since I last posted (Sorry it was so long)

So since I last posted, my mental health has been very much up & down. I have had some counselling and dealt with a lot of issues around my dads death and how to cope better with my mental health, it really has helped. Since around March 2021, my mental health has been really good like best I have felt in 10 years, yeah that good! It could be because I had my implant (contraceptive) taken out, or it could be the doggo. I don't know! But I am very happy about it. Writing this today though, I have had a little dip these last couple of days but I am feeling like I can manage it with the skills I learnt in my counselling sessions.

Anyway, that is it for now.. Hopefully won't be another 100 years till my next post! 

Mental Health Week Approaching.

Mental Health Week

*7th October - 13th October 2018

Now, as you know by now. I am struggling with my own mental health. I am writing this on a Sunday as tomorrow is the 1st of October, my birthday month but also it is mental health week in IRL.  

*See above for dates.

It is important for you guys that I am open and honest but also I want people to know more about some family background.

My mum is a massive support to me, before I met my husband she was my biggest support. Now we live quite far away from each other, obviously she is there for me and I am there for her. She is one of my best friends, along with my mother in law. I am lucky to be so so close to both of them.

My husband is by far the person who knows me better than myself but also sometimes he noticed when I am going down or complete other way. He is my biggest cheer leader to help, support and guide me through. We will be together 8 years in January, 2 years married then too. Since day 1, he has been amazing. Yes we've argued, we both fucked up a lot of the time, we both have issues but we love each other and support each other. He is best friend for sure. 

Getting off topic - sorry.

I want to discuss my Dad, sadly he passed away early 2015.. (My Grandpa, his Dad passed away around Christmas) I think. It is a blurred, confusing time. I was happy in a full time bar job and earning money to save up for our wedding. I hadn't spoken to my Dad since about 6-7 years at this point. He was very mentally ill through out my life, my parents divorced around 1999-2000. I had stopped speaking to him on the first day of my GCSE's, I was 16.

He committed suicide which was incredibly hard for his family to deal with because they have such proud beliefs and go on about "oh he is a doctor!" totally ignoring his mental health until he turned on them. It was very hard for my immediate and my mums side of the family. It made me realise I will never see him again, part of me sometimes still wishes that what if we did stay in touch... Then I remember how difficult it was. He was my dad, yes he was the best dad but also did terrible horrible things. He could never accept he had a mental illness, so since I have been getting better slowly over these last couple of years whilst volunteering. 

I decided to embrace the fact and try to stamp out stigma, I discuss it openly in work but also with others. My husband does do the same. Seriously people! Come on... we all know you or someone else is struggling with mental health issues. Don't be afraid to talk.

When all this happened with my Dad, I didn't process it properly, I didn't talk, I just glazed over it then all of a sudden we were at my mums going through his stuff and it hit me. During that time we were looking at wedding venues and it was all too much. I got very very sick. We arrived back in Dublin and I tried to get on with work and going about a life. In the end my doctor referred me to the mental health team. Seriously if you ever get referred to St John Of God's, they are really really good! Especially The Centre for Living, even if I hated it the first time. You have to be in the right head space for it. 

Weirdly I don't remember much of that time, the funeral is blurry and just gives me very weird feelings.

I know in the August me and the husband moved to London for a few months for his job, I think it was one of the best things for me then. Change of scene, new people, something to get me out the flat. 

I thoroughly enjoyed where I volunteered for about 2 months, the people just made it. Also the London office where my husband was were lovely too. 

Stella & Diann if you ever read this... Honestly THANK YOU! You made me feel slightly back to myself. 

One of the worst things about London was I ate too much and the tablets that I had made me put on weight, didn't help I wasn't exercising.. 

That Christmas my mum told me "You looked 10 months pregnant.." Love you mum! I know she is pretty very blunt and honest, but that is better than lying saying ah you look great, have some more pudding,

Honestly coming back to Dublin was weird, so many memories that I hadn't figured out and looking for a new job whilst still not working out what to do with myself in 2016. 

In that 9 months or so I had about 6 different jobs, some were okay... some were just pure shite. Some companies treat their staff so bad. I went through depression again and was still going through it when I started volunteering again. These last two years have been 

• Stressful/Over working when I thought people were expecting more from me. 
• Sad loosing the last of my Grandparents.
• My mum moving out of the childhood home. 
• WHY MOTHER?! Only joking.
• Getting married was awesome and happy times.
• Getting a Team Leader role but voluntary still with my charity.
• Learning new skills and doing more fundraising events.
• Becoming an Auntie for the first time.
• Realising who my real friends are and cherishing them like gold.
• Having the best husband and supporting him.
• Joining a *W.R.A.P group for on going support.

There will be more in depth chats about the time of my life when I was going through different struggles. For now, this is a little snippet. When I am ready I will write it more down.

 Promise. 

*W.R.A.P - Wellness Recovery Action Plan